You might be a mother if:

*you've ever changed the paper towel roll at work and seriously considered taking the empty tube home to your kids
*you're the one stuck with eating the bread loaf butts...and you're okay with that
*you quote Disney movies in public and other adults don't know what you're talking about
*all of your toilet paper rolls are oval shaped because the kids used the TP package as a stepstool
*you've ever sat cross-legged on the floor and sipped lukewarm water out of a tiny teacup, while your 4-year old pours herself more "tea"
*there are Xs all over the kitchen floor, because you had an abundance of painter's tape and the kids had treasure chests to bury
*you've ever stepped on a lego
*you've seriously considered getting a leaf rake for the sole purpose of expediting toy-cleanup
*you break out into song and then realize it's a cartoon theme song ("we're going on a trip in our favorite rocketship...")
*you've ever had to say "artists don't paint with their spit."
*you have ever trudged outside in your pajamas and someone else's boots to clean the snow off the satellite dish
*you have fallen asleep sitting up while watching cartoons with your littles
*you get more excited about pillow forts than they do
*you have to smuggle the broken crayons into the trash because they NEED that 25th fragment of the purple crayon
*superhero capes are a big deal
*there's a doorknob-shaped hole in the drywall behind your door because the kids decided to take the doorstop off
*a single spontaneous slobbery kiss can improve any bad day
*you discipline your kid, and then realize you punished them for acting EXACTLY like you
*there are no cups in the cupboard, they're all scattered throughout the house and you can't find a single one
*there's a propeller blade in your pocket
*you don't mind when your kid breaks a toy because it means you can actually get rid of something
*you own more than one pancake mold
*while pumping gas, you take the opportunity (and handy nearby trashcan) to clean out the car

You might be a mother if: the "Mama Says" version

You might be a mother if you've ever had to say:

"no fishing on the table"
"please don't spit into the octopus"
"sit down on your bottom, please. We don't stand on chairs"
"because I said so, that's why"
"applesauce doesn't belong in your nose, okay?"
"please don't drag your brother around the kitchen"
"why is there a banana on my chair?"
"I don't care what HER mom said. Listen to what I'M saying."
"we only color on paper"
"not in your mouth!"
"please don't let the dog lick your goldfish"
"why is there an elephant on my back?"
"we don't bite Grammy's shoe, okay?"
"let's not leave cheese on the floor"
"why, yes. yes, I do have my hands full."
"you smell like poo...and strawberries."
"why are you growling? and where are your socks? and why am I sitting on a bunch of pretzels?"
"get your hand out of your pants"
"please don't eat things off the floor"
"I washed the Zebra"
"Please don't swordfight with me when I'm trying to change your diaper."
"If you shine that light in my eyes one more time, I will take your piggy."
"move your face, I'm using a screwdriver!"
"ballerinas don't thump."

You might be a mother if:

-you spell something so your kid doesn't understand what you're saying, and then realize you spelled the wrong word
-you've ever had to rescue your child out of the toilet because they forgot to put the potty seat on first
-there are teeth marks in your chapstick
-you've ever made a tent (or as my kids call it: "the bear cave") out of blankets and chairs
-it doesn't matter what time you set it for, your children will always wake you up before the alarm goes off
-all your sidewalk chalk sticks are nothing but nubs
-you've gotten really good at drawing Mickey Mouse, robots, hearts, and aliens
-you've ever found your missing shoe...in the toybox
-you have to hide your 4 year old's clothes because she changes her outfit every 27 minutes
-you have more than 3 different kinds of Crayola products on hand at any given time
-a helium balloon is as good as the party itself
-you put the kids to bed and then fall asleep on the couch waiting for them to go to sleep
-you're experienced in removing (among other things) crayon, marker, chalk, chocolate, toothpaste, and strawberry jam from the walls
-you're okay with walking like a duck so your munchkin can "help" push the shopping cart
-your nails are currently sporting purple and blue glitter nailpolish
-getting dressed in the bathroom means something is going to get cleaned in the process
-your kids aren't the only ones who like those smiley-face fries for lunch
-you've ever been woken up by one of your kids asking "mommy, are you awake?"

You might be a mother if

-the drawstrings on your hoodie are always uneven
-you have mastered the art of stirring your coffee without letting the spoon touch the mug so that you don't wake up the child who fell asleep on the couch
-you regularly get play-by-plays on the retrieval of boogers ("got it, mommy!")
-you've ever used your child's carseat for securing something other than your child (2 1/2 dozen eggs, for example)
-you have used the seat of a vehicle as an emergency diaper changing station (more than once)
-you wear tights because A) you're out of clean socks and B) it sucks in your baby flub like magic
-the longer you sit still, the more matchbox cars get lined up on your leg/arm/shoulder/foot
-you're listening to your preschooler yell from her bed during quiet time "I can't reach the booger!"
-you finally get everything cleaned and think "okay, now who should I invite over so I don't waste this perfectly clean house?"
-you get home from a full day of running errands and realize that the stickers your son put on your pants and shirt that morning are still there
-sometimes you let your kids watch the obnoxious cartoon you swore you'd never let them watch because they're so enamored with it that you actually get the dishes done in one sitting
-despite your best efforts to the contrary, you watch dismayed as an entire toy bin is emptied in search of one toy that wasn't even in there to begin with
-you borrow the baby's diaper bag to use for yourself because it's so much cuter and roomier than any of your bags
-you serve the kids a nutritious and balanced meal...and then eat a bowl of cereal while standing up
-you've ever gotten a matchbox car stuck in your hair
-you wish for a cleaning fairy...and then remember that YOU are the cleaning fairy.
-you have more laundry in baskets than in dressers & closets
-you're not ashamed to run from the imaginary dragon, even if it means letting the pasta boil over once or twice

You might be a mother if

-there's dried yogurt smeared on your arm (and you haven't eaten any yogurt lately).
-you put on your sweatshirt and a toddler fork falls out of the sleeve.
-you can't find any of your skirts because you haven't worn them in a really long time due to clinging toddler hands that would make the skirt end up around your ankles.
-you don't need to add detergent to your laundry load because there's so much bubble solution on your clothes
-you've ever checked on a sleeping child and accidentally woken them up because one of your joints cracked really loudly when you moved
-you've ever bought candy to reward your toilet training preschooler and ended up eating most of it yourself (helloooooo Reese's Pieces)
-you have ever had to reroll the toilet paper (and you don't live with cats)
-you've ever put a ban on a certain cartoon because your kid will watch it over and over and you're sick of it
-you have distributed more than 3 timeouts in a single day
-attending a birthday dinner where there is both a tablecloth AND lit candles on the table makes you excited
-there is a cartoon character sticker stuck to your floor. In more than one room.
-your shoes are not where you left them and you eventually discover them in another room, carried off by tiny hands or toddler feet (and possibly with toys inside)
-the occasions that warrant the wearing of makeup are so few and far between that you have to buy new items each time because your old ones have expired
-you have ever woken up in the middle of the night with an obnoxious song from a cheesy kid's movie stuck in your head
-you reprimand your child for doing something they're not supposed to, only to look and see that you reprimanded the wrong kid
-diapers, wipes and other various baby items make up for at least half of your grocery bill
-you're excited that Christmas is coming because it means a whole new genre of cartoons to watch (Grinch! Rudolph! Prep & Landing!)
-your son's hair is getting pretty long but you don't mind because it spikes better that way
-you leave your drink unattended and come back to discover a toy floating in it

You might be a mother if:

-you've ever gone somewhere by yourself and felt like you were forgetting something the whole time because you didn't have any kids with you
-your children's dirty laundry makes you wish they made washing machines with built-in garbage disposals
-you've ever stood with your head in the fridge so you could eat a snack unnoticed
-there are tiny little fingerprints all over your computer screen
-your dream vehicle* involves self-closing, sliding doors on BOTH sides of the vehicle
-your husband has never looked sexier than when he's reading "The Very Hungry Caterpillar" to your children
- at bathtime you wash your child's armpit just a liiiiiiiittle bit longer than is actually necessary
-you've ever had your finger bitten because it was in someone's mouth checking for teeth
-you've ever been dancing with a guy and not only did you have to lead but he was sitting on your hip
- you've ever taught your 1 year old how to fist-bump
-you don't mind having to wait at the bank/post office/ nail salon because you're alone and it's quiet
-your knuckles are all scraped up from too-short sidewalk chalk
-you've ever bought a 4-pound tub of peanut butter
-you've ever used baby shampoo to wash your hair because you ran out of your own and the kids' shampoo was your only option
-you've ever used one of your t-shirts for your child's finger-painting smock


*while it would be nice for our current van to have doors on both sides, that is NOT my dream vehicle.
This is.

You might be a mother if:

-you've ever used something other than a tissue to wipe a nose that wasn't on your own face
-the insensitive and brainless comments you received when you were pregnant still make you mad when you think about them (who DOES that?)
-you've ever been so engrossed in watching Anne of Green Gables (for the umpteenth time) that you don't notice your daughter has dumped an entire basket of folded laundry on the floor and is now throwing it in the air like giant cloth confetti
-you can tell when your kids getting sick because of the change in personality
-you can accomplish in one morning what normally would have taken you a week when you were single (laundry, dishes, cleaning, grocery shopping, etc)
-one of your kids starts throwing up and your first reaction is to catch it
-you have the lyrics to all of the VeggieTales songs memorized but can't remember where you left the nail clippers (true story...can't find them for the life of me.)

-you have hand sanitizer, baby wipes, and a pack of tissues in every bag you use (diaper bags, purses, etc)
-you've ever had hairy knees poking out of your capri pants because you ran out of time in the shower and couldn't finish shaving
-you've ever used your daughter's tiny sparkly purple barrette in your hair because you couldn't find one of your own and she has an endless supply
-your kid takes a tumble and you remain seated and calmly ask if he's okay instead of rushing to his side and freaking out
-you get your kids ready for church in 10 minutes flat and then realize you're still in your pajama pants and bedroom slippers
-you look forward to watching cartoons because they're kinda funny (Phineas and Ferb, anyone?)
-you've ever used a diaper/nursing pad as emergency undies/maxi pad
-your current floor cleaning method involves the dog more than it involves the broom

You might be a mother if:

Happy Mother's Day! Here's the next installment of my "You might be a mother if" series to celebrate the day!

You might be a mother if:
-you've ever fed the baby with your left hand while feeding yourself with your right (or vice versa)
-you've ever taken a shower in stages (wash hair in the sink while kids are strapped in eating breakfast, wash the rest of you in the shower if their naps happen to overlap)
-you wear slippers not to keep your feet warm but to avoid getting various crumbs and food bits stuck to the bottom of your feet
-you and all of your kids have ever gone all day still wearing the pajamas you woke up in
-you've ever looked at a pair of shoes or an outfit that your child owns and thought "how stinking cute is that?? I want one in my size!" (for me that would be my daughter's purple boots)
-you can tell which one of your children has a messy diaper because you can distinguish their particular odors
-sometimes you can't remember how many children you have
-you want to reprimand your child but you can't remember his name, so you start with the oldest child and work your way down until you land on the right kid (and may or may not toss in the name of a few pets in there as well)
-you've ever vacuumed your kid's foot (hand, pant leg, sock, etc) because they wouldn't get out of the way
-your current method of drying your hair is driving with the window open

You might be a mother if:

-you've ever finished a meal and realized that YOU were the only person you didn't feed.
-snacktime is your favorite time because everybody's quiet and happy and you get to eat
-you've ever blamed your own noxious gases on your child's "dirty diaper"
-you critique the plot holes in their favorite cartoon because it's the only form of logic you get during the day
-you're not ashamed to give yourself the same bedtime as the kids
-you have picked the hair/dust/crumbs off of a fallen piece of food and given it back to your child
-you color and paint just as much as your children do because it's an excellent form of stress-relief
-you automatically check the floor around your feet before you move so you don't step on anyone
-you think that baby shampoo is one of the best smelling things ever
-you smother one child in kisses, and then go find your other kid(s) to smother them too (just so you don't show any favoritism)
-sometimes you forget that not everyone is a mom and may not want to hear your sleep-deprivation woes and poop stories
-you have a stockpile of colorful headbands for those days when you don't get a shower before you have to run to the store/bank/post office
-you've ever stared at your child in wonder, not hearing a word she was saying to you because you couldn't stop thinking about how stinking cute she is

You might be a mother if:

-taking a shower is not so much about getting clean, but rather feeling like a human being again.
-you decide to go exercise at the gym just so your kids have an indoor jungle gym to play on
-you can remember every name of every cartoon character your child has every watched, but not where you left your car keys
-you delay putting one kid down for a nap so that you can put all the kids down for a nap at once and maybe (just maybe!) get a nice stretch of "me time" (that may or may not involve ice cream and Psych. wait, who said that? I mean, laundry and dishes of course!)
-you jump at the chance to get some groceries because you can get out of the house
-playdates help keep you sane
-you're willing to do messy activities even if it means extra cleanup because it also means some peace and quiet
-you've ever changed one kid's diaper while another one (or two) kids were using you as a jungle gym
-you've ever crawled on all fours out of the baby's room so that he or she couldn't see you and would go to sleep
-you have become ambidextrous because of the frequency with which you have to handle utensils with your non-dominant hand
-your child is talking to you and you don't hear what he/she's saying because you're thinking about how stinking cute he/she is
-you've ever gone to the bathroom and had more than one audience member under the age of 3

You might be a mother if:

-your toddler falls and hurts her tushie and then asks you (in all seriousness) to kiss her butt
-you pick up the crumbs on the carpet that are big enough to choke on, and don't worry about the tiny pieces because you've resigned yourself to the fact that your 9-month old is a mini-Hoover
-baby's first snowfall is an occasion that warrants the camera
- you've played the game "I want your booger" to make nose-blowing fun for the 2-year old
-you have ever had the food standoff (no more food until you eat your ______)
-items in your purse migrate into the diaper bag until the diaper bag IS your purse
-you step into the shower and scatter about 5 squirty toys
-your kids get new toys for Christmas that (so far) you have spent more time playing with than they have
-you coordinate your shirt color with the new babyfood your 9-month old will be trying that day
-you have a lightbulb moment when you realize you do indeed have eyes in the back of your head and that therefore you've graduated to "expert mom"
-you get a phone call from your husband telling you that when he forgot to shut the bathroom door, your daughter observed the proceedings and then asked him if he was holding a hose
-you grade diapers by how many baby wipes it takes to clean up the mess, anything above 4 wipes is a guaranteed outfit change
-you speak fluent "toddlerese"
-you smile sympathetically at the mom with the screaming toddler instead of glaring at her like everyone else is doing
-you instinctively say "no" when your child asks for a special treat and then think "oh, man. now I have to reinforce this rule all day long!"
-you eat a snack in the bathroom so that you don't have to share

You might be a mother if:

-you've ever had to say "don't brush his butt"
-you realize that you have indeed become your mother because you
      A) use your licked finger to clean smudges off of your child's face
      B) used the phrase "because I said so, that's why" and meant it
      C) had to reheat your coffee because you got too busy to drink it, and then forgot it in the microwave (which beeped at you for the next 20 minutes)
-you look forward to the mail arriving because it means a chance to inhale some fresh air and see other adults, even if they're complete strangers passing by on the sidewalk
-you say things like "potty", "doggie", and "ouchie" even though you're talking to another adult and your kid is nowhere near you
-your son's diaper contains bright blue poo and a tiny crayon chunk, and your only thought is "must not have vacuumed the carpet very well"
-you don't mind that you just got poked in the eye because your toddler volunteered to kiss it and make it better
-someone volunteers to take your kids for the day and the first thing you do after they're gone is sleep
-the first 5 items on your grocery list consist of any of the following items: milk, peanut butter, hot dogs, cheese, yogurt, applesauce, pretzels
-you've ever wished on more than one occasion that you bought stock in diapers, bubbles, crayons, baby wipes, board books, and coffee
-a hickey on the neck used to mean too much adoration from your loving spouse, now it means too much adoration from your teething 8-month old
-you keep a stockpile of non-toy items to distract the baby when he's cranky because it works much better than toys (large spatulas, paper towel tubes, a comb, sunglasses, spare keys)
-both children going down for a nap at the same time brings the same amount of excitement that a cancelled class used to in college
-you've ever considered recording yourself singing "you are my sunshine" or "twinkle twinkle little star" so that instead of singing it for the 15th time in a row you could just hit 'play'
-your husband starts to freak out until you explain to him that your toddler said "take the shoes off" and not "daddy's pissed off"
-you get a giftcard for your birthday and use it to buy something for your child
-you no longer mind when someone gifts your kid a noisy toy because you're thinking about how much time it might buy you

You might be a mother if:

-you get adept at picking things up with your toes so that you don't have to bend over with the baby
-you hear your husband say "you can't eat your pants, man"
-you only pee with the door shut when there's company over
-your 2-year old starts saying "I TOLD you...", "Don't touch!", and "look at me!"
-being pooped on doesn't phase you, but watching your kid stick her finger in her ear and then in her mouth makes you gag
-you have to explain to your daughter that your son doesn't have a tail because tails aren't in the front
-there are pen and crayon scribbles all over your "you might be a mother" list
-you realize you've been listening to kiddie songs for the past 20 minutes, but your kids have been asleep for 30
-you've ever had to say "that's not a bathtub, that's my left breast"
-phone conversations go something like this: "yes, I was calling-get down!-to see when you-no more juice, sweetie-were open until? Okay, thank-I said no, sweetie-thank you very much!"
-you hear a juicy burp that didn't come from your child but you check your shoulder for spit-up anyway
-uttering things like "please get your crayons out of your ears" and "petting zoos probably shouldn't have lions in them" are everyday occurrences
-you can breastfeed and cut coupons at the same time
-you open the freezer and a plastic cow falls into it because there are so many toys on top of the fridge in "time-out"
-you finally have an excuse to listen to as many Disney and Broadway songs as you want
-the phrase "don't play with his drool, please" has ever crossed your lips
-you recognize the look on a baby's face that says they're chewing on something they shouldn't have
-you watch a movie or TV show that features a newborn baby and think "pshft, that kid's 3 months old, easy"