Sunday, August 29, 2010

"Put on your big girl panties...

...and deal with it."
I've heard that quote many times, but what are you supposed to do when you've already got your big girl panties on and you've BEEN dealing with it? Find a bigger pair? Ditch the panties and go for something a little more substantial? I personally would prefer to put on my "big girl steel-toed boots" and go kick the everloving snot out of something.
I was really hoping the wedding trip would be enough of a break that I could recharge and start fresh. But as fun as that was and despite the fact that Bogie and I slept for 12 hours after the reception, what little recharging I got has already been used up because I'm right back where I started at the edge of exhaustion. I know that my attitude needs adjusting, (it may have been suggested recently that I "find some happy pills") but it's very hard to believe there's an end in sight when, well, there's no end in sight!
It's hard with Bogie being out of commission, but that's really only a small part of it. D seems to be getting out of the teething zone and back into a normal routine (he's stayed asleep once I put him down for the past 5 nights, except for one quick pacifier run an hour ago) but now that he seems to be getting better ZaZa's temper and tantrums seem to be getting worse.
I always said that I wanted to stay home with my kids, but being laid off and not given the choice about staying home with them made it hard not to be resentful. It's times like these that I look back and wonder how the heck my mother did it. 3 kids under the age of 4, my dad on tour a lot, and no family close by.
If I'm going to survive this whole stay-at-home-mom thing, I need to get creative and fast! I cannot just stay in the house and sing songs and play games, I need human interaction and preferably from a human whose diaper I don't have to change! I know it will be easier when D gets a little older, then trips to the park and other places will go smoother once I no longer have to hold him constantly, but that seems so far away! Cabin Fever: I has it.
It's not just me, either. ZaZa has almost no tantrums, takes super long naps, and is overall more cheerful when we have a playdate with someone. A wonderful friend of ours (also a SAHM) watched her while I took Bogie to the doctor last Monday (D went with us too since we're pretty much attached at the, boob). ZaZa played all morning with another little girl whom she kept calling by the wrong name. Most of ZaZa's playdates have been with our friend who has 2 girls, P & K.  ZaZa kept calling this little girl P, but it was all good because this little girl kept calling her Abby Cadabby (the pink fairy on Sesame Street with the pom-pom pigtails) probably because ZaZa's hair was in pigtails. They both got the right names eventually, but it was really cute to observe. They did lots of squealing and chasing each other, and once we got home she took a 3 hour nap. It was awesome. But I can't very well schedule playdates every day because I don't know that many SAHMs and the ones I do know I don't want to drive crazy.
Do I want to raise my own children, on my own schedule, by my own terms? Yes.
Do I want to hang out at home, all day every day, praying I don't resort to the TV as entertainment so that I can get a few blessed moments of peace? No.
I don't miss the stress of my job, but I do miss the challenge. Don't get me wrong, ZaZa and D are a challenge, but when I prevail at THIS job nobody cares or notices as long as the sippy cup is full and the diapers are dry. Probably the only people who will truly empathize is other moms, because I'm not looking for a thank you. I'm not raising my children to be thanked for it, I'm raising them because they're mine and that's the responsibility I promised to undertake when we decided to make them. I just didn't realize it would be this hard. Actually, raising children is not hard, it's actually quite simple (and repetitive, if I may say so). Raising children is just draining...emotionally, spiritually, physically. It's times like these that make me wonder how Jesus puts up with us. When I have to remind ZaZa for the 37th time in one morning not to spit or shove D's Jumparoo while he's in it, the thought flickers through my mind that this must be how God feels telling me to trust him every 10.41 seconds.
All of this to say that I have no answers, most of this is venting anyway, but I'm sure God will use it as some sort of object lesson in the near future because He's tricksy like that.
I have no interest in Happy Pills, (unless by "pills" you mean red & purple Skittles) but I really would like to know just how long those big girl panties are supposed to last while you're "dealing with it"? Because my pair wore out a while ago and I still have a long way to deal.
Bring on the steel-toed boots.

Wednesday, August 25, 2010

Update on Bogie's Knee

The official verdict: gout.
I love that my sister-in-law several states away can diagnose WITHOUT SEEING HIM what the ER doctor could not. I mean, is he bleeding out the eyeballs? No. Does he clearly need more than a painkiller, ace bandage and a business card for a specialist? uh, doi. ("you don't get a lot of 'doi' these days." anyone? anyone? Friends? no?  I did a little Ferris Bueller back there too, did you catch that one? no? moving on)
He now has a medication that will help his body get rid of the extra uric acid and he's completed today's dose. He said his knee was feeling a little bit better and I haven't seen him move that easily (albiet still on crutches) since this whole thing started.
I'm so glad we went with our intuition and went to see our regular doctor before going to the orthopedist, otherwise we'd still be waiting, he'd still be in horrible pain, and we'd spend a whole lot of money that we don't have on specialists and MRIs only to find out what one simple blood test could have told us had the ER doctor done her job.
So tomorrow I'm going to call up the hospital and give the Complaint Department an earful. I don't even think they have one, but still. I'll actually mainly be calling to figure out how we're going to pay for the exciting events that were our Saturday, so pray for favor with the powers that be at Ephrata Community.
and now I'm going to go check on Bogie, he was running a fever an hour ago when he went to lie down. and I might just eat a couple chocolate chip cookies, since I didn't have any chocolate last night like I said I was going to, and I may have just baked some fresh cookies after I put the kids to bed.
you so want milk and cookies now, don't you?

Tuesday, August 24, 2010

All I can say is "Oy"...

I started this blog with every intention of writing if not every day then every other. And then life happened. I have so many fantastic writing ideas marinating in my head, but when it comes time to be still and actually produce something, I'm so drained that I usually just end up writing a quick generic blurb. Not that those aren't fun, but that's not my original purpose of this blog. With that being said, I thought I'd share some of the life that's been preventing me from doing this blog the way I wanted to.

D has 2 bottom teeth now. I'm hoping that since they're actually through he'll settle down a bit at night. He did take 2 very long naps today, but hasn't managed to harness that effort into his nights yet. We'll get there. It's easier to deal with the sleep-deprivation when the cause of it is a charming little blue-eyed boy with a slow smile and a deep chuckle. He has started flipping his tongue now, so his formerly long "ahhhhhh"s are becoming "blah-blah" and "la-la"s. and maybe even the occasional "rar" and "mom" (complete accident, I know, but it still makes my heart skip)

Zaza had the mother of all tantrums today. She didn't actually break anything (that we know of) but it did involve getting 3 spankings DURING her time-out because she was so...I guess you could say mad. I think she was mostly mad that I dared put her in her room for a time-out, usually we employ the use of a white square (the many uses of duct tape) on the floor in the office that she has to stand inside of. She did NOT like being separated (which is kind of the point, time outs aren't supposed to be fun for the time-outer!) and proceeded to let us know just how angry she was. Now the good thing about putting her in her room is that nobody has to monitor her to keep her in there, and once she calms down she can come out. But there is an acceptable level of tears and she was not at it. Crying is okay, blood-curdling screams and kicking the door are not. She's definitely one of my biggest challenges right now. Don't get me wrong, I love this little girl to pieces and I especially love how strong-willed and sure-minded she is (I have a strong-willed drama queen...can't IMAGINE where she gets it from) but some days it's more than I can handle when you factor in all the other shenanigans I have to deal with that she doesn't. I'm so glad she isn't a roll-over-and-take-it kind of person, I think I can say with a fair amount of confidence that THAT would frustrate me far more than dealing with my mini-me.

The biggest news and "life happens" instance occurred this past Thursday around midnight when Bogie's left knee started hurting. Quick summary is that it gradually got worse until by Saturday morning he couldn't move it at all without experiencing blinding pain, x-ray showed no broken bones (other than that the ER was completely useless. NEVER again, ECH), family doctor took some fluid from his knee and also some blood and we're waiting for the test results from both of those. If they both come back normal, we have an appointment with an orthopedist on Friday.
So needless to say my weekend was filled with caring for three beings, 2 of them unambulatory (that's a word, right? my spell-checker didn't like it and my brain doesn't want to focus). All the running and fetching and being constantly in demand led to a bit of a breakdown on Sunday where I was convinced that I had PMS because I was so emotionally and physically depleted (I didn't). Poor Bogie feels so bad about not being able to do anything and having to request everything but there isn't really an alternative right now. His parents have been awesome with pitching in wherever they can (mostly with the kids) and the one good thing that came out of the ER visit was the percocet. He's trying to wait as long as possible to take a pill because everyone keeps getting on his case about how addicting it can be (isn't that hospital's drug of choice for all post-surgeries?) but between that and the Tylenol it's taking enough of the edge off so that he doesn't flip out of his toe gets accidentally brushed (yes, his knee was that bad).

This is the point where I go get a big glass of milk and a nice stash of chocolate and find a good comedy, like Bringing Up Baby or The Thin Man. Nobody does comedy like that anymore, and quite frankly most new comedies aren't that funny to me. Oh, they have their moments but they're usually few and far between, and were all revealed in the preview anyway. Give me my black and white, have-to-pay-attention-to-the-dialogue, strong leading man and sassy leading lady films. Everyone is asleep but me, I'm going to cherish the next 15 minutes all to myself before I go to bed. After I make sure Bogie's got everything he needs for the night and I have my phone so that he can call me if he needs to.
Pray those test results come in tomorrow and it's something fixable and not-expensive.
and maybe come occupy some of my wee ones while I scream into pillows or take a nap.
oy vey...

Friday, August 20, 2010

Five Things Friday

1. Baths (i.e yummy smelling children)
2. Real Simple magazine. despite the grammatical inaccuracy of the title (I resisted having anything to do with it for years because of that), it's a fascinating periodical full of great tips, photos, and articles. and it's super thick.
3. daylight. sooooo much better for taking photos, especially when I'm figuring out a new camera.
4. Edy's strawberry bars. satisfies my ice cream craving without all the extra sugar and calories.
5. bedtime. that hushed part of the evening where the kids are in bed and I finally have a blessed moment to myself where I can stand still without someone trying to climb me, put on a shirt without puke on the shoulders, and eat a snack without a pair of huge blue eyes trying to mooch it off me. ah, peace.

5 1/2. Road Trip was awesome, wedding was amazing, more on that later!

Friday, August 13, 2010

Little Black Dresscapade

seems simple enough. one dress, color: black.
not so much.

I knew I would have some difficulty finding the perfect dress since I'm 5'11 and my idea of style isn't "in". What I did not anticipate is that designers would create a tube of fabric that stretches from armpit to buttcheek and call it a dress. I mean, REALLY? Here I am, searching through sales racks just trying to find a black dress, and all I can find are creations I would only feel comfortable labeling as tube tops. Now I realize what would be a knee-length dress on someone else would be a mini-dress on me, but these dresses wouldn't be decent on a 4 year old. Haven't they ever heard of "less is more" (in regards to skin)? I know that I hold a higher standard of modesty than the average girl, but morals aside: how can an outfit like that even be comfortable? I mean, just sitting down would make the dress go so far up you'd have to cover your lap to avoid a peepshow, never mind trying to walk or heaven forbid, bend over! Oh, and did I mention that when I found a dress that I liked (it wasn't black, but I liked the style) the material was so flimsy and see through that I would have had to wear another dress underneath it to avoid public indecency! What's that about? You can't make a dress with a full lining? You think girls want to show their undies through a garment?
I love to look good, but I firmly believe that the first step to looking good is being comfortable in what you're wearing. When you're comfortable, you're confident, and when you're confident, you pretty much look good in anything. And I do not see how anyone could possibly be comfortable in the kind of crap that they're shoving in stores in the name of fashion. And the short dresses were just the beginning, there were all kinds of ugly decorations all over these dresses too. I mean, if these designs were on a tee-shirt in a thrift store, all of these girls would be turning up their noses at them. but since they're on a new dress in a "nice" store, let's shell out $60 to wear somebody else's idea of cool.
I'm not sure if this is more my rant of not being able to find my perfect little black dress, or about the clothing industry. but seriously, ladies, less is more. If you're covered up, comfortable and confident, that is FAR more attractive than cleavage, buttcheeks, and someone else's idea of a nice outfit.
okay, I lied. I actually did find the perfect little black dress, I just can't afford it. and they ran out of it in my size. and I'd have to sew a triangle of black lace in the neckline to avoid flashing the ladies about. and obviously it's too late to buy it now because the wedding's tomorrow. but other than that it's perfect! haha.
Moral of the story?
buy a sewing machine and make my own clothes. They'd be tailored to my size, length, and taste. and much cheaper. I think I just might do that.
although that still doesn't help with my outfit for the wedding tomorrow.
And the Little Black Dresscapade continues...

Wednesday, August 11, 2010

Road Trip!

In 3 days we will be off to NY for a wedding, I can't wait. Not only do I get to see Heather get married, but I get to see a bunch of college buddies too! Yay! In the photo are Betsy, Vicky and Heather (left to right). We even get to travel with Vicky for a little bit because we're picking her up in Rochester and taking her with us to Buffalo. YAY!

Bogie and I have a hotel room for Saturday night since it'll be late when the reception's done, so we'll head back home Sunday morning. I just might get a solid 8 hour's sleep, people! I'm more excited for Heather's wedding, but this is a close second. I haven't had an uninterrupted night's sleep of anything more than 5 hours in over 6 months. No joke. Want to know when I figured that out? At 4 in the morning.

Bogie and I love road trips! We play 20 Questions Hollywood version (all actors/actresses), we bring along our portable DVD player and play "Friends" DVDs (we've seen them all so many times we don't have to watch the screen, we just listen and we still know what's happening in the scene! It makes the time go so much faster). We do tend to get lost on a regular basis, but we're hoping to get a GPS one of these days to help overcome that little problem.

I still have a To-Do list before we can leave though, and I think I need to add "make CD of road-tripping songs" to it (but first I'll put them in a playlist!)-
*find dress to wear
*write out schedules/tricks for kids so Grammy's not overwhelmed
*buy wedding gift/card
*rent a car
*print out directions/buy an atlas in case we get lost

There are a lot more items on my actual list, because of course I have all of these items written down so that I can check them off as I finish them. D is sleeping right now, so I think I'll get started on that list!
what's the list for again? oh, yeah, that's right. ROAD TRIP!!!

Sunday, August 8, 2010

What songs resonate with you?

Yesterday on my Facebook profile I asked people what their favorite worship song was. I got quite a few responses, some overlapping, some I've never heard of, and all good. I didn't post my own favorite because I have many of them. Half of them aren't even considered "worship" songs in that most churches wouldn't include them in the musical portion of the sunday morning service. These are the songs that resonate within me, the songs that make me smile when I hear the opening notes, or that cause tears to well up in my eyes when certain words are sung.
There are two songs that resonate with me the most; Caedmon's Call "Shifting Sand" and Derek Webb's "Wedding Dress", so they're in Youtube videos. The rest of my songs are in the playlist to the right, and it probably started playing as soon as you opened the page. Feel free to pause it to listen to the vidoes, but I would encourage you to unpause it once the videos are done because the rest of the songs are good too.
Please feel free to comment on the songs, and add your own favorites!

Friday, August 6, 2010

Favorite Things Friday

1. ringtones. when either my momma, my sister, or my sister-in-law calls me, my phone starts cheerfully blasting Cyndi Lauper's "Girls just wanna have fun". I mean, not only does the music make me smile anyway, but just knowing that it's one of my 3 favorite ladies calling makes it that much better!

2. Teaching ZaZa new words. she likes to hear new words all the time and try them out, she has to know what things are called. sometimes I give her super long words (onomatopoeia and rhinoceros come to mind) for fun, but she's amazingly good at pronouncing them.

3. baking soda. this stuff is amazing. it takes the stink out of my diaper pail (I have one of those "in the fridge" boxes with the cloth sides sitting at the bottom), the man funk out of gym clothes, and I've been told you can use it to clean hair, although I'm waiting until I run out of my regular shampoo before I try it.

4. Bogie. I like to redecorate and rearrange furniture, and he's quite patient with me when I start moving stuff, even if it's to a spot that he suggested that particular item should go in the first place and I vehemently insisted I didn't want there. until now.

5. my new camera. I got a new camera, this thing's a beast (3 lenses, filters, all kinds of buttons and knobs) I barely know how to use it yet but I'm so excited to learn! anyone willing to give hands-on tutorials, speak up!